Miss Nalletamby

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I just had my mum on the phone. She told me that Miss Nalletamby passed away recently.

I was sad, and I felt kind of bad. So I felt like sharing a few words in memory of Miss Nalletamby... more familiar to the veterans of Junior Boys as “Tambo”, “Nellie” or “One-eyed-Jack”.

Where should I begin? Well, Tambo is what I would call a very remarkable character.

At the time, she was like our very own personal Darth Vader... Not that I knew who Darth Vader was at the time of course, I think Shannon was probably the only one among us who knew who that was, but nonetheless during our stay in Cars, Trains, Planes and Ships in the St Andrew’s Junior Boys dorm from 1993 (or earlier if you’re someone like Richie) to 1995 (if you’re one of the unlucky 5th formers who got shafted by the move to senior boys and had to spend an extra two terms in the Junior Boys dorms in Cars… actually we took it as a kind of blessing because we were convinced that Andrew Big and his welcoming party were out to get us), she was the one that inspired us to do some of our most dastardly things as young children. Like the way we deliberately scheduled our raid nights to be on Wednesdays specifically because those were the nights Miss Veronica would be off and One-eyed-Jack herself would be on duty for the entire dorm - and we loved pissing her off.
Her sullen demeanor always brought out the best of her brown woolen sweater, and the wrinkles on her grizzled face were as callous and daring as her butch, surly attitude – she possessed a vicious mean streak that outsiders would never in their wildest dreams suspected the 5-foot tall catholic ever capable of.

To our parents she was this harmless sweet little person, and they couldn’t have imagined their children in any safer hands – and so were we also fooled in our first days as the clocked ticked closer to 8 O’Clock and she’d tell us to get to our ablutions (and a lot more nicer and articulate than some of the other matrons “ABROOOOTIONS BOYSSSSS! ABROOOTIONS!” anybody?), and then with us all safely tucked in bed, she would lead us into our evening prayers (Lord, keep us safe this night, secure from all our fears, my angels guide us while we sleep till morning night appears, amen.) And then in a sweet voice, she would kindly bid us goodnight and when the lights finally went out in the cozy little dormitory opposite the dining room, that’s when her tyrannical regime of insanity would begin.
I swear, she was like a werewolf or something.
Once the lights were off Tambo would turn the dormitory into her own personal training grounds where she would practice the sacred arts of matron ninjitsu and elite old-hag combat – using such diverse weapons as her ninja broomstick, her boomerang slipper of bashing, her mighty torch of bludgeoning and, of course, the infamous key shruikens of accurate trajectory. This mighty domestic war machine bent on giving out her own special brand of justice (especially once she’d had been deprived of the option of sending us to Mr. Hett for the tackie) had had the potential of being the ultimate superpower of Molo, had she not had one flaw.

Tambo lacked stealth.
Seriously.
We could chat as long as we wanted because the telltale flip-flopping of her slippers and the glow of her torch always gave her oncoming presence away. Only fools would get caught be her mid-sentence. Jonathan Leslie is living proof of that as he spent many a night outside facing the wall (The same Jonathan Leslie who would play the ducktales theme from his gameboy every morning in a fit of jolly cheerfulness as he danced away making his bed as others were getting theirs stripped by Tambo).

I remember Teddy saying "You know what? Some day someone will come in here and all these beds will be replaced with graves. And above each grave will be a sign saying "Here lies ____. Victim of One-Eyed-Jack!"

But it’s funny. Although I had plenty of time, facing the wall, by the bathrooms, with the entire population of Ships for company into the late hours of the night to think about it, it’s not till now that I’m able to reflect that old Tambo wasn’t just a cranky old goat out to get us all, after all. She was also patient, and generous with her time and affection. She would store your “home-food” for you even though it was contraband. And she made the best coconut ice ever - Which she would share with us if we had been good the previous wednesday, (and especially Fahd whenever he sucked up to her. Actually he even got to bringing her the coconuts from Mombassa at the start of every term).

But it cannot be denied the thing she did best was brightening up our lives, which would have been incredibly dull without her. I mean who would have done better than her the time she busted Jonathan sanders?

The time old Jean-Pierre himself, had planned this very concise and elaborate plan to beat up Desmond Kinuthia. And when he said “Who's with me?” We all said “Yeah!!!”
And when the time came everyone was too chicken to actually do it and so Jonny, being the dedicated fellow he was, picked up his pillow and went on alone and had hardly stepped a foot out the door before he was suddenly caught in a sudden beam of light like a prisoner in the middle of a daring escape caught out by a the guard’s spotlight.

The following is a transaction of what happened next as heard by the rest of us inside Cars.

“You! Come here!”

*pit-pat-pit-pat*

“What are you doing?”

“I wasgoingtobashdedmndarndthehedwidmapilow

mss.” “What? Speak up!” “I was going to bash Desmond around the head with my pillow, miss.” “Oh really? Give me that!” *biff!* *baff* “Now go to bed!” And Jonny slept without a pillow for a week. (That busting was pure gold and is only defeated by the time Richie was caught by Miss Naliaka wearing a scout scarf and swimming trunks over his head as some kind of a “disguise”… but that is another story) Or the time when everyone (in planes? Or possibly cars… I never slept in Ships) was talking and she burst in and demanded to know who it was that was talking, and everyone kept quiet and pretended to be asleep. "Keith I know it was you!" she yelled! “Keith answer me!” “Don’t pretend you’re asleep! You’re fooling nobody!” “So you want to play games eh? I’ll show you what happens when you play games with me” And then she promptly proceeded to beat him up with her torch (either that or her slipper) even though he was really innocent and genuinely asleep at the time when it was EVERYBODY else who was talking... I could go on like this all night. …the time she called Eric a devil and when he responded by calling her more or less the same thing so she threw the keys at him and he threw them back, so she TOTALLY flipped out and hit ninja mode and attacked him with a broomstick, or the time she caught AJ because he got stuck trying to hide underneath Raj’s bed, or the time she caught everyone playing the money game (WHICH I INVENTED!!!) and sent us all against the wall, or the time she sent us all against the wall for throwing shoes through the windows of the dorms, or the cat and mouse games she would play with that little devil ChandaraKahn (whatever that ADD suffering kid’s real name was) trying to make him take a bath or whatever. Holy fuck - Those were good times. However, Tambo’s now hung up her keys and slippers for good. I can’t help but feel a little guilty about the ahrd time we gave her. It can’t be helped. She may have been old then, but I kind of thought that Miss Nallatamby would be around forever. Either way it just seems too soon. Just as abruptly as Fahd’s screams of “No Miss! No, No, NO, NOOO-” sharply ended as the keys of time slowly hurtled in slow motion before his hastily retreating backside of destiny, so did Tambo make her sudden departure from this world. Rest in Peace, 'Tambo. I hope you give the angels “a good thrashing”.